I left a birthday party early tonight because I just couldn’t stand any longer.
I feel broken.
I try to keep positive about being a Fibro Warrior but I’m grappling with it tonight. It probably doesn’t help matters that we haven’t told our friends yet. I’m not even sure why. I’ve thought about doing it and told a few of my oldest friends but as far as John’s friends and family; I’ve stayed mum. Perhaps it’s that I’m not quite willing to admit it true or maybe it’s because my newest doctor thinks I might not have Fibromyalgia and darker forces might be at work.
Of course I’m not sure if his hesitance is because he doesn’t believe I have it or doesn’t really believe in it at all. Where does that leave me? One doctor diagnoses me with it, another is waiting. On one hand it’s a relief to think I might not have a life long incurable illness but on the other – I finally had an answer and at least I wasn’t dying.
In my darker moments, I wonder. How could there be this much wrong with me and it NOT be something sinister? Some big, bad, deadly disease? I’ve pretty much read every book with the word Fibromyalgia in the title from amazon.com and have heard this sentiment spoken time and again. I’m apparently not the only one asking this question. I guess when you feel like crap
all the time (fine, a majority of the time) you start to think that it can’t be as simple as Fibromyalgia. Some mysterious, incurable, yet benign disease. It has to be something much more malicious to make me feel so terrible. To make me hurt all the time, fail to ovulate, pee every twenty minutes… I’d go on but I’m trying to write myself out of the funk I’ve gotten into.
It doesn’t help that we suffer from anxiety which can make you feel like crap. With so many stress hormones coursing through your body, how could you not? I spent the entire car ride to the party deep breathing in an effort to calm myself and ease my muscles. The anxiety passed but sadly my twitching back and hard as rocks shoulders didn’t follow suit.
I think I’m failing at cheering myself up. I might have to leave it up to American Dad and a spell on my massage chair. I miss my Johnny. He always makes me laugh. A good piece of advice for any Fibro Warrior. Marry someone who makes you laugh. You’re gonna need it.
Yours in health,